For those who are my friends, they no there isn’t much that I like more then video games, except maybe my friends, and girls, and my friends, who are mostly girls…
Anyway, I would like to discuss with the three of you who read this blog, what I think are the most important innovations in video games. WHOO! Lets start.
NUMBER ONE: Invisible walls!
Not only are invisible walls an amazing idea (I wish I had in invisible wall on my window, so my dog would stop jumping out it, and running away), but Invisible walls are amazingly useful. They keep people from wondering outside the map, and seeing the outside sections where the lazy developers just couldn’t cut it. Of course why settle for invisible walls when you can instead use invisible death grids. Instead of preventing the player from moving though them, you simply annihilate anything that passes through. That way the player doesn’t feel limited by your invisible wall technology. Want to have some real fun, just dangle a powerup on the other side of the invisible death grid.
NUMBER TWO: Undodgable Enemy Attacks!
You know the one. You’re playing your favorite action RPG game, you trudge miles down all those dark spooky ass caverns, killing all kinds of monsters, and finally you reach that big nasty spider boss, and then… He hits you repeatedly with a move you are too close to dodge from until you are dead. Undodeable attacks add a whole new level of depth to you RPG/Shooter/Platformer/Actions Game/Skateboarding Game. They require you to get inside the enemies head, think about what they’re going to do next, and then feel totally worthless when you guess incorrectly. They add new meaning to the phrase “hard but fair.” More appropriately they change it to “hard and unfair.” Just wait until the developers figure out how to give you undodgable attacks. That would be the best.
NUMBER THREE: Instant death attacks!
Now I know what you’re thinking about. Oh I assure you I do. You don’t beleive me, well here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC3Gil_8-dA How many times did you watch that cutscene playing resident evil 4. It must have been like 20 for me. You know, sometimes I would intentionally freak out and unplug my controller, and then watch helplessly as Leon got his head cut clean off, just so that I could feel that humiliation of, well getting my head cut clean off. What’s that, you only died twice. Well I don’t care how much better you are at Resident evil then me, because I’m still better at Smash Bros (unless you are better at smash bros). For some real fun, try combining this with the previous entry, and then have some real fun.
NUMBER FOUR: Grinding!
Sweet, I only need to kill 500 more spiders before I can beat the next boss. Enough said.
NUMBER FIVE: Cutscenes!
Now, not any old cutscene will cut it for this one, I’m talking specifically about ones you can’t skip, because nothing is more fun then when you’re stuck on something, and the game assists you by showing you the same cutscene again and again each and every time you fail. Just imagine if Hideo Kojima started implementing this. I’m getting nauseous feeling just thinking about it. Nausea is a good felling right. It’s like the equivalent of winning the game of the year award.
NUMBER FIVE: Escort Missions!
“LEON HELP!” I love hearing that. It just makes me feel like needed, you know. Like someone cares about me. Someone other then my pillow. I wish my pillow was filled less with tears. I’m going to go make some warm milk, and pretend someone else made it for me. Be right back.
NUMBER SIX: Walking Really Slowly!
This trope is common in lots of games. Like in slender man, where you aren’t even allowed to walk fast, or like in the abstergo sections in assassins creed black flag. You get lots of time to look around the amazingly crafted office building, while you walk around to see if the new computer room is open, again, and again. This trope also appears in Metroid Other M: Where Samus is often tasked with trading in her fun actions sequences for walking really slowly in empty rooms. Some other games that this trope appears in:
Halo 3 (when cortana talks to you)
Grand Theft Auto (On the phone)
Uncharted (When talking to sully)
Every RPG game ever made!
NUMBER SEVEN: DLC!
You know what the best part of spending $60 on a game is. Finding out it has a cliffhanger ending, and waiting two the three months to pay more money for DLC. But that’s not the only thing DLC is good for, you can also use it to add cool new weapons that weren’t included in the game, or even better useless new weapons that weren’t included in the game. What about a stoner themes decal for the side of my car, or the ability to put underbelly lights on it. Oh, I know, instead of adding an RGB color mixer to our game, we’ll include it as DLC. The only thing better then DLC, is expensive DLC. It’s like all the pain of Christmas shopping, except you get to be underwhelmed by your gift right now, instead of on Christmas. No where did I put my horse armor.
NUMBER EIGHT: Quick time events!
Why should we require players to use their skill to dodge out of the way, when we can link it to a button press instead. Even better, we’ll link it to a bunch of button presses over the course of a long unskipable cutscene, and if they fail even one they have to start all over. I know, how about we try one right now. Here’s how this works, I’m going to write a button prompt about 20 lines below this sentence, and I want you to scroll down as fast as you can and press it. GO!
There you have it, the definitive list of video game innovation. Now go armature game makers, go and innovate. Like do it. NOW!