Innovation in video games

For those who are my friends, they no there isn’t much that I like more then video games, except maybe my friends, and girls, and my friends, who are mostly girls…

Anyway, I would like to discuss with the three of you who read this blog, what I think are the most important innovations in video games. WHOO! Lets start.

NUMBER ONE: Invisible walls!
Not only are invisible walls an amazing idea (I wish I had in invisible wall on my window, so my dog would stop jumping out it, and running away), but Invisible walls are amazingly useful. They keep people from wondering outside the map, and seeing the outside sections where the lazy developers just couldn’t cut it. Of course why settle for invisible walls when you can instead use invisible death grids. Instead of preventing the player from moving though them, you simply annihilate anything that passes through. That way the player doesn’t feel limited by your invisible wall technology. Want to have some real fun, just dangle a powerup on the other side of the invisible death grid.

NUMBER TWO: Undodgable Enemy Attacks!
You know the one. You’re playing your favorite action RPG game, you trudge miles down all those dark spooky ass caverns, killing all kinds of monsters, and finally you reach that big nasty spider boss, and then… He hits you repeatedly with a move you are too close to dodge from until you are dead. Undodeable attacks add a whole new level of depth to you RPG/Shooter/Platformer/Actions Game/Skateboarding Game. They require you to get inside the enemies head, think about what they’re going to do next, and then feel totally worthless when you guess incorrectly. They add new meaning to the phrase “hard but fair.” More appropriately they change it to “hard and unfair.” Just wait until the developers figure out how to give you undodgable attacks. That would be the best.

NUMBER THREE: Instant death attacks!
Now I know what you’re thinking about. Oh I assure you I do. You don’t beleive me, well here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC3Gil_8-dA How many times did you watch that cutscene playing resident evil 4. It must have been like 20 for me. You know, sometimes I would intentionally freak out and unplug my controller, and then watch helplessly as Leon got his head cut clean off, just so that I could feel that humiliation of, well getting my head cut clean off. What’s that, you only died twice. Well I don’t care how much better you are at Resident evil then me, because I’m still better at Smash Bros (unless you are better at smash bros). For some real fun, try combining this with the previous entry, and then have some real fun.

NUMBER FOUR: Grinding!
Sweet, I only need to kill 500 more spiders before I can beat the next boss. Enough said.

NUMBER FIVE: Cutscenes!
Now, not any old cutscene will cut it for this one, I’m talking specifically about ones you can’t skip, because nothing is more fun then when you’re stuck on something, and the game assists you by showing you the same cutscene again and again each and every time you fail. Just imagine if Hideo Kojima started implementing this. I’m getting nauseous feeling just thinking about it. Nausea is a good felling right. It’s like the equivalent of winning the game of the year award.

NUMBER FIVE: Escort Missions!
“LEON HELP!” I love hearing that. It just makes me feel like needed, you know. Like someone cares about me. Someone other then my pillow. I wish my pillow was filled less with tears. I’m going to go make some warm milk, and pretend someone else made it for me. Be right back.

NUMBER SIX: Walking Really Slowly!
This trope is common in lots of games. Like in slender man, where you aren’t even allowed to walk fast, or like in the abstergo sections in assassins creed black flag. You get lots of time to look around the amazingly crafted office building, while you walk around to see if the new computer room is open, again, and again. This trope also appears in Metroid Other M: Where Samus is often tasked with trading in her fun actions sequences for walking really slowly in empty rooms. Some other games that this trope appears in:
Halo 3 (when cortana talks to you)
Grand Theft Auto (On the phone)
Uncharted (When talking to sully)
Every RPG game ever made!

NUMBER SEVEN: DLC!
You know what the best part of spending $60 on a game is. Finding out it has a cliffhanger ending, and waiting two the three months to pay more money for DLC. But that’s not the only thing DLC is good for, you can also use it to add cool new weapons that weren’t included in the game, or even better useless new weapons that weren’t included in the game. What about a stoner themes decal for the side of my car, or the ability to put underbelly lights on it. Oh, I know, instead of adding an RGB color mixer to our game, we’ll include it as DLC. The only thing better then DLC, is expensive DLC. It’s like all the pain of Christmas shopping, except you get to be underwhelmed by your gift right now, instead of on Christmas. No where did I put my horse armor.

NUMBER EIGHT: Quick time events!
Why should we require players to use their skill to dodge out of the way, when we can link it to a button press instead. Even better, we’ll link it to a bunch of button presses over the course of a long unskipable cutscene, and if they fail even one they have to start all over. I know, how about we try one right now. Here’s how this works, I’m going to write a button prompt about 20 lines below this sentence, and I want you to scroll down as fast as you can and press it. GO!

ALT+F4

There you have it, the definitive list of video game innovation. Now go armature game makers, go and innovate. Like do it. NOW!

Vampire High

SPARKLY NEW BOOK REVIEW!

That’s right, I’m reviewing a book, deal with it! This book is called vampire high! GO:

So I hope you like corn and lots of it because this book is corny. It’s about a boy named Cody Elliot who is attending his first year at a high school about vampires! But not the bloodcurdling vampires of Draclua fame,  nor the sparkly vampires we’ve become accustomed to in recent years. These vampires are somewhere in between, and in truth are more like regular old children, hence the corniness. But corniness aside, they’re actually likable, and relatable high school students who are dealing with relatable high school social problems.

The problems start when Cody attends school, and everything is super weird. Then he picks a fight with school bully protecting a kid named Justin. Then the bully is all like “Are you stupid bro (not an actual quote) I’m gonna kill you and your face,” but this girl named Ileana marks him, and then everyone leaves him alone. Then Justin is all like “Dude, are you stupid (still not an actual quote) you’re like human and we’re all like Vampires bro.” In the real book Justin isn’t so obnoxious sounding, I swear, but that’s the gist. So Cody finds out the school is all Romanian and vampiresque, and that the only reason he attends is to be on the water polo team because Vampire’s can’t swim. He befriends Justin, falls in love with Ileana, and shit hits the fan. The story picks up from there.

So there is the corniness, but despite this I ended up really liking the book. The Jenti students (their word for vampire) are relatable, Cody is relatable, and so are his problems, and additionally everything is charming. At first it seemed like it didn’t need vampires, but they end up winning you over by the end, and the book world is well fleshed out, and feels like it is very real in it’s own vampiresque (yes I made up that word) way, and it comes to a pretty satisfying conclusion, that attaches you to Cody and the story overall.

It’s certainly not a deep book that is going to radically redefine your perception, but it’s a charming story that’s fun to read.

7/10

-RJ

Sorry guys

After seeing how horribly neglected this blog has become as it’s writers move onto bigger and mostly better things, I think now is a good time to apologize to anyone who still attempts to follow this blog. In truth, I haven’t heard from Joey myself in some time, though more recently than the rest of the world. I’m not sure if it’s creator still posts here, but for his sake I think it best to assume his life has had an interesting turn recently.

To anyone who might be reading this, we’re sorry.

About Time

Well, I’m an admin for this blog now, in fact I asked to be an admin for this blog, I might as well write something. After all it is very important to keep my adoring two fans happy (one of witch is Joey). So here it goes… I’m going to write something… It’s going to happen… Don’t worry, it’s coming…

Alright I’ve got nothing. How about instead of writing about something, I write about nothing. Lets see, where to start. Well, nothing is a noun. It’s from old English meaning no thing. It is also an adjective used to describe something of no significance.

Alright, this is going no where. Apparently I suck at talking about nothing. It’s almost I haven’t said anything, at least not anything significant. How about we change the subject.

CRACK KILLS! Sorry, just wanted to get that out there. In case you didn’t already know it’s very important that everyone knows that crack kills.

Next topic, Joey is coming to Michigan. That’s because he is awesome.

Next topic, Jhonen Vasquez likes taquitos. You see, he used that topic once as an introduction to his book. It was almost as bad as this introduction, except that Jhonen eventually brought the introduction on topic and as of so far, I have failed to do so.

If you aren’t familiar with Jhonen Vasquez I am sorry for your loss. Go look him up, now.

Well, that’s it. Great job team. Cave Johnson, we’re done here.

– Crius Nyx

On Thought

Have you ever been lost in thought? Of course you have. Sometimes it seems our thoughts have a will of their own, guiding us through logical or illogical sequences of sustained intellect. The subjects may vary: our environment, our children, our wives, our work: but the process is typically the same. For some, they speak inside their heads with long internal monologues. For some, pictures form as a primary medium. For some moving images like video play in their head. For others, their thoughts are not so focused. Inside their heads ideological roller coasters barrel along scattered and broken track, rearing out of control in an epic struggle for reason. At times, this is true for all of us: that our thoughts run rampant on painful roads until our voices screech and tears form in our vision. Then the pain comes, and our hair is pulled out, and our teeth clenched. Out eyes grow red and puffy, and our voices crack. For a moment it seems as though all is lost, and nothing will ever be alright. For hours, or days even our minds run crazy, heading for that inevitable brick wall. Then the collision comes, and inside our heads glass shatters, and tires screech.

Among the wreckage of our fractured minds, clarity sets in. The glass stops in the air, and around us the world is still and forgiving. In these moments of extreme weakness, the real and most important realizations are made. Stress seems to fade, and pain recedes in all facets. Familiar faces resurface, and important and long forgotten truths are returned. Smiling faces surround us, and holding hands couple themselves with ours. In the crisp air, we rejoice for a moment that we are alive. As with everything else, moments pass. Soon our minds race again in any and every direction. Events blur, and our lives run.

Stop. Just for a moment, stop yourself and think not about your life, or your family, or your self, but instead about your thoughts. Let them grow and wane with the tides. Let them breath and beat with our bodies. View them not as the voice inside your head, but rather as a whole, coupled with the rest of the self. Slow your breath, and focus your mind. Let the world around you recede, and clarity from inside your own head. Then, reality returns. If you were to think of thoughts in this way, they may seem surreal, or even relaxing. But are thoughts surreal, or rather chaotic. Inside your head tangled clusters of nerves work unending, ejecting particle after particle. Neurotransmitters race across synapsis at unimaginable speeds just to stimulate the next nerve. In a cluttered mess of webbed thought, our real actions are born. Those words that your hear, speaking inside your head, are misguided transmissions arriving at the ears before the arms. Those images are perceptions of things that don’t exist. Soon, the world around us would leave entirely.

Is it our world around us that shapes our perception, or our perception that shapes the world. Is your green the same mine? In our heads, is that green linked to different things? Do the words even sound the same to you? Is your gravity as strong as mine? Does gravity even exist at all? How reliable are those far reaching synapses  Do they feed you accurate information? What if they stopped? What if suddenly your eyes stopped transmitting? Can you even imagine a life without them? How would you shape your world without the ability to see? Imagine if your ears followed suit, feeding you false information. Soon, everything would fall apart as you recede further and further into your own head. Soon, you would not have a self at all, but instead be a fetus, floating in an imaginary recess inside the depths of your own mind.

-RJ / CriusNyx

Whats that?

A new author has taken over my blog. He has somehow created an account and has given himself permission to write articles. I just want to inform my readers that if you see posts like “Disposable” or “The Tundre, It’s Frozen” those are not my works but rather the works of someone who calls himself “A Collage Geek.”

One moment readers, it seems I have a phone call from a friend of mine. (To phone) Hello. Yes my name is RJ. Whats that, I don’t own the fourth arrow? Oh, well then.

I have just been informed that the fourth arrow is actually not my blog. In fact, I’ve never owned a blog in my life. But thanks to the consent of this blogs rightful owner, “a collage geek” I would be more than happy to post on his behalf. Therefore bloggies (that’s what you call someone who reads a blog, right?) I brought you the previously, misinformed paragraph accusing the blogs correct owner of hacking. My apologies.

     -RJ